Matter

I woke her up, this beautiful angel I’ve trapped in a mortal body. Woke her up from her slumber so complete she left her ego somewhere deep within the recesses of the folded flaps inside her mind. The pink and the gray intermixed and intertwined, receptors doused in the religion of the masses but for oxygenated blood pumping no room is left. She woke up, her soul escaping, hissing, through her nostrils until I say the magic blessings for her holiness to join once again with her enraged sinuses. She woke me up, flopped on the floor, covered in the oxygenated blood meant for the pink and gray folds but instead staining our earthly mores. We woke up in the distance between an ambulance and a hearse, a fraction of a millimeter so thin her sinusoid rhythms tip the scales. What did she take I’m asked – I fumble through her purse. Hope oscillating ferociously wishing for sighs of relief to fill the open space. Cycles quickly lost to rattling, to life forces pulverized by pulmonary edema. Scar tissue quickly thickly growing within the home she once called breathing, sighs replaced by sights of white tunnels, and funnel cakes and all the things you hallucinate when Dimethyltryptamine releases and says its piece – it’s peace out, here’s some memories you might want to catch up on but there isn’t much time so cherish the thoughts and all of the times you had together because that last 15 seconds doesn’t last forever and here she is on a metal table unable to talk to the other version of herself she’s falling so slowly away from. Come back to me she says, but there is no her left to come back to. No longer does she suffer, dear sleeper, but no longer is she.

Dad

Dad. You were supposed to be the one who taught me how to play ball, to fix cars, to hit on chicks. Dad. You were supposed to be the one to yell at me when I came home drunk from a party the first time because I could always call you, anytime, and you might be upset but you wouldn’t be mad. Dad. You would be disappointed, because that would hurt me far worse than any punishment one could dream up. Dad. I’m the one disappointed, I can’t even be mad. To be mad would mean I care, and it’s disappointment in the fact that the Dad I thought people have isn’t the Dad I have and God I wish I knew how to be a Dad right now. Disappointment that I have no one to ask how the fuck I’m supposed to help my little girl not turn out to be the disappointment I’m sure I am to you. Dad. I waited for so long for you to come around, to apologize for beating the crap out of me. Dad. I wanted so much for you to finally understand how much I needed you when I needed you but now you’re just this shell of an idea that I can’t even talk to because the minute I do all the memories come flooding back and the only feeling left is disappointment. Dad. I wish I could mourn what little relationship we had, but you’re a stranger passing on the street. You’re the car I passed without noticing, Dad. What I would have given for you to turn around and notice me. To tell me you’re sorry just once, and mean it. Just. Once.

Sincerest Regards.

Self doubt as of March 24th

I’m far from exceptional. In fact, I’m downright mediocre at all aspects of life. I work in an industry that demands that every hire is exceptional at everything they do, so I act like I’m exceptional.

Many people talk about impostor syndrome and how it’s typically caused by low self esteem. What if my self esteem is right fucking on-point, and I’m just an impostor? I certainly don’t feel like I belong.

Too much time spent hustling to get where I am and now my lack of fundamentals are showing. I’m nothing but a bullshit artist and my art is going out of style. 

My mother is dying and I don’t care at all. She never loved me as much as the idea of me. I feel like a bad person for not caring, and that causes me to spiral into more self-hate. What about her being sick makes her a good person now? Am I supposed to forgive her for putting our daughter in serious danger simply because she’s sick? Am I a sociopath for saying no?

Bye.

“I mean, if I h…

“I mean, if I had my way… you’d wear that goddamn uniform for the rest of your pecker-suckin’ life. But I’m aware that ain’t practical, I mean at some point you’re gonna hafta take it off. So. I’m gonna give you a little somethin’ you can’t take off.”
–Lieutenant Aldo Raine (Inglorious Basterds)

When did someone simply saying “Racecard” become a drop-the-mic-the-argument-is-over, get-out-of-racism-free card? I’m seriously tired of this shit. 

Can we all agree that racism, both personal and institutional still exist, and that if they still exist, it’s ok to call it out for what it is? What happened to the honest racists of old, casually using racial slurs and being downright ignorant?

Now what you have are middle class cowards too scared to use the slurs in their head and much more likely to speak in code. Why don’t you assholes have the courage of your convictions?

For the same reason that the fictional Lt. Raine wanted to make sure that Hans Landa couldn’t just cowardly blend in to polite society and ignore his atrocities, today’s semi-casual racists should wear their braindead stupid fucking hate like a badge of honor, make it a little somethin’ you can’t take off.

I want to know who the fuck I’m speaking with.

The $64 question

There’s a bunch of unemployed people. There are a bunch of startups and other tech companies that are totally starved for engineers. How the fuck do you turn some of the unemployed people into *viable* tech talent? It sure as hell ain’t college, and it while CodeAcademy and others are a great resource they haven’t created a viable pipeline yet.

Maybe we need more forgiving languages and frameworks that can serve as a bridge between “Hey I learned how to type!” and Endofunctors and shit.

“This republic …

“This republic was not established by cowards; and cowards will not preserve it.”
–Elmer Davis

Marissa Mayer, queen of cowardice and current CEO of Yahoo!, would rather ignore positive contributions from remote workers than do the following:

  • Fire a large swath of ineffective middle managers and take responsibility for the fallout
  • Put controls in place to make sure that remote work is effectively tracked
  • Perform proper layoffs and or firings, instead waiting for affected remote workers to quit of their own accord. The apologists assume that all of the affected workers that leave are dead weight..the law of averages seems to disprove this. You’re going to throw *some* of the baby out with the bathwater.

This is all being done under the guise of streamlining collaboration. It’s blatantly obvious that Yahoo! simply wants to get rid of a large swath of their workforce without severance or bad press. Mayer is happy to let her apologists talk about how this is “the death of telecommuting,” and can seriously damage the industry if they’re not careful. It’s hard-fucking-enough to land top talent in this industry without having to deal with brainless “me-too” executives parroting an over-entitled CEO of a dying company. 

The faster this harebrained scheme leaves the media’s eye, the faster that our industry forgets about this neo-Luddite bullshit, and the faster that Yahoo! death-rattles, the faster we can get back to the real world.

Major League II

As I’m a completely batshit A’s fan, the following is my completely batshit reasoning (read: conspiracy theory) as to why the officiating of the A’s/Tigers ALDS has been so frikkin awful.

1) Lew Wolff wants to move the team to San Jose in order to become a higher revenue team. He has huge investments in the downtown San Jose hotel industry and would personally benefit from bringing further entertainment options there.

2) Lew Wolff’s *stated* reason for moving the team is that they cannot be competitive with such a low payroll, and that moving to San Jose provides them with higher revenue.

3) Lew Wolff’s plan to move to San Jose and personally profit is dependent on the A’s being a .500 team or slightly worse. It effectively *proves* to the media and the layman fan that his reasons for moving to San Jose are correct.

4) This year’s team totally threw a wrench in the works for Wolff. This team is young, cost-controlled, extremely talented and cohesive. While there may be some career-year stuff happening with Moss and possibly Reddick, there’s enough upside to believe that this team can compete with the Angels and Rangers for the immediate term.

5) In-game interviews with Wolff during the A’s 2nd half run were centered around Wolff’s frustration with Oakland’s politicians, Oakland’s citizens, and fans of the team. It was beyond tacky and used negative language (such as discussing contraction) to, in my opinion, keep fans disenfranchised and uncertain about the A’s future.

6) Wolff and Bud Selig are college buddies. Selig hates the city of Oakland, even saying that the A’s moving there from Kansas City was a mistake and unfair to the Giants.

7) MLB Franchises and MLB itself benefit from having a new stadium, which raises the overall value of both significantly. New stadiums are a very interesting scam that benefits the already extremely rich MLB owner class. When an owner wants a new stadium, they will sell the fact that it is privately financed and that no money meant for schools will be used. It turns out that privately financed stadiums have a much higher value due to having to purchase the land that the stadium is built on. Land that it typically owned by the city, county, or state and sold as part of a redevelopment effort (with new jobs being the driving force) for pennies on the dollar. Land that could be used for a multitude of other purposes, or re-divided in a such a way that the selling municipality profits off of the sale. The job increases tend to be extremely short term, and a horrible trade.

8) Due to the above, Wolff and Selig have ample reason for moving the A’s to a location where real estate is a) abundant, b) historically expensive, and c) can be purchased cheaply. San Jose meets these criteria.

9) It will be more difficult to pull off this scam if the team is successful and drawing fans. While Schott and Wolff have done what they can to disenfranchise all but the most hardcore fans, historically, Oakland’s positive attendance trends typically trail successful playoff runs by a season. If the A’s were to make the WS this year, it would be reasonable to see a huge uptick in attendance next season. The last few games at the coliseum, I believe, are proof of this.

Given this, I believe that Selig is doing anything within his power to influence the umpiring of the ALDS in order to upset the competitive balance of the series. He’s trying to build a narrative like: “If the 88-win Tigers can sweep the A’s, then the A’s must not have really been that good” and “It was all a statistical anomaly and we should go back to rooting for approved teams”